This Emotion Called Love
by ginnyinvisible
Summary: During the time after Edward left her, Bella came to the attention of the Volturi and was bitten due to her exposure to the vampire world. She is left without the emotions or memories of her human self. Then Edward appears in her life again... T for safet
1. I DO NOT KNOW WHO I WAS

**THIS EMOTION CALLED LOVE**

**SUMMARY:** During the time after Edward left her, Bella came to the attention of the Volturi. Because of the fact that she had been exposed to the vampire world, they give her two choices. Now, like Alice, she has no memories of her human life- or the feelings she had enjoyed as a human. What happens when she encounters Edward again?

**BACKGROUND:** Edward left, Bella moped around and was depressed until her issue came to the attention of the Volturi. She was bit, and as a result, has nothing from her human life, not even her memories. The "power" she has is subtle, such as Esme's or Carlisle's. She has the power to repress emotion, and has done so since. For as long as she can remember, she has never felt emotion once. She is part of the Volturi guard, loyal to it due to Chelsea's power, yet wanders off on her own explorations for a reason in existence, which is where this story begins.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**I DO NOT KNOW WHO I WAS. I AM NOT HAPPY TO KNOW THIS, BUT NEITHER DOES THIS FACT CAUSE ME SADNESS, OR LOSS. I AM DEVOID OF EMOTION RELATED TO THIS SUBJECT. IT IS SIMPLY A FACT.**

Isabel of Volturi am I.

I do not know who I was before. My memory begins the day I was born, opened my crimson eyes to see the world in crimson clarity. Some may think it strange to come into the world conscious and intelligent, but I have never known different. I am a vampire.

Aro has told me it is not uncommon for those such as I to not remember their human life. Sometimes, when it is especially traumatic, pieces of the memory are remembered. Normally, most vampires only remember those they cared for greatly, such as parents or lovers. I remember no one, or nothing. That, in itself, is not abnormal either. I probably had nothing interesting in my life to remember.

Once I accompanied Heidi on a decades long trip she took around the world to attempt to find her origin, yet she never found it. The only thing that came close was the time we went to Paris, and entered a restaurant, and a "great sense of longing and passion hit me like a wave", as she put it. She supposed that something important had happened there, but she didn't stay to find out, frightened by the emotions. Volturi did not feel emotions; it was dangerous. It made us susceptible, so I did my best to quell anything in any of us, keeping us the cold, hard guard we needed to be to do our job.

I do not have any great longing to find out who I was, like Heidi. I am unattached from the human I imagine I had been; probably a vulnerable girl with a heart shaped face and mahogany hair like mine, yet less lustrous and long. I don't know what color my eyes had been. It doesn't matter. My eyes are red, and that is the color they belong. If I came upon that human in the street, I would kill her without thinking. She is just a human. I am someone else. Isabel of Volturi.

There are ten of us, besides the trio and their wives. We each were chosen for our distinct ability, honed and trained to be of maximum potential. Jane is our weapon, with her agony-inspiring gaze. Alec steals the senses of our victims, leaving them without sight or feel. Chelsea dissolves loyalties between covens. Felix, Afton, Corin, and Santiago are our fighters, Felix especially chosen for sheer brawn and strength. Renata is a shield, and Heidi is a seductress, leading our victims to us.

And finally, I am our desensitizer, a powerful weapon similar to Chelsea's. I can desensitize someone; make them lose all love for someone, or all pain. I can make them lose the will to live, so they would willingly burn themselves.

And we are all loyal. All dedicated to the profession we had chosen for all existence.

After all, what other point is there to survive?

This year, it was true, I had been separated from the Volturi, but we all did that once in a while, such as Heidi's search for a past life. Aro allowed it, condoning it as a necessity. I left once in a while, when the strife in the vampire world had stilled to a dull roar. I wasn't sure why; to the unknowing eye I looked to be merely sightseeing, visiting America, the Caribbean Islands, Japan...

But I knew what I was doing, what I was searching for. I was searching for a reason.

A reason to want to exist.

I didn't quite know if I was searching for pain, or love, or simply the thrill of danger. Just _some_ emotion...

For my power goes too far. I can control the emotions of others, yet it holds me in a sort of shell that would never let me break free; never lets me _feel _anything. Ever.

Can it have been that in my past life, I hadn't _wanted_ to feel? That I was scared to? That I _had_ to build this shell, for fear of what could attack me if I emerged from it?

Partly I keep it up of my own volition. I don't particularly want to feel lust, or infatuation, or desire, or any of those other synonyms for that word "love" so much poetry and music was written of.

But, if not that, even _something_...

This would probably be my last trip. I have taken countless ones over the last forty-nine years, but I am finally mature enough to accept that there is nothing for me. There never was. A reason doesn't exist. I must simply survive, doing my best to assist the Volturi in keeping peace in the world. For my core, my individual self, there is nothing. I will accept that and move on.

**END OF JOURNAL ENTRY**

I sighed, snickering to myself inside my head. I had tended to "record" thoughts to myself lately, just to remember how I had felt and thought at a certain point in time. It worked just as well as inscribing it on paper or computer, for my enhanced vampire memory was infallible. I smiled. I would not give this up for the world. I looked down on the humans; what clumsy, incompetent creatures they were. They were practically born to be prey.

I looked down in my arms at the unconscious young man in my arms. He was still alive, and I had kept him that way, just for the dramatic kill. He would probably have been considered handsome by human eyes, with his long, dark lashes, and messy black hair, but my extra sensitive eyes zeroed in on the tiny blemishes on his skin, the microscopic weakness in the eyes, and the small roundness of the chin.

I leaned down, experimenting. I had tried this before, and nothing worked, nothing dredged up the slightest bit of emotion from that endlessly dry fountain somewhere inside of me. Could a human be different?

I slowly pressed my lips to his soft, warm ones, and waited, waited for something to happen, to come to me.

Eventually I pulled away, my vampire hearing noting the slight part in his breath as my lips left his. Maybe there was no such thing as feeling. Maybe there was no point in trying, it just didn't exist, and everyone else was lying to themselves.

I leaned down again, but this time biting down on his exposed neck, sucking eagerly and embracing the feeling of release the blood gave me, a temporary fix for my species-wide addiction to that beautiful, entrancing liquid: blood.

I let the drained, white body fall to the ground, and sprang up, pushing aside leaves from around me. I was in a rainforest, meditating on my pointless desire for emotion, and the hiker had provided a welcome, and needed, alimentation, if unexpected. I needed to return to the city; I should get back to Volterra soon, now that I had acknowledged the futility of my mission. I could stay in the city-- somewhere in Brazil, now, I thought I was-- for about a month to feed well so my eyes returned bright red, then I would return.

Return to the dreary, empty hole I called life.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**NOTHING**

my thoughts are not coherent anymore

simply blurs of throbbing pain

the empty loss and missing meaning to life

I don't quite know where I am

just curled up somewhere, tormented with agony

I hear the drunken voices from below me

but I don't care

I don't care

there is nothing left for me

**TEMPTATION**

I want to go back

so tempting it is

even though she's an adult now

she's probably completely forgotten me

married with children

but what if she's not?

what if she's gone?

it's been so long

what if I go back, and I find a grave?

bella, love, look down on me from heaven

and know I do this for you

do you remember me, as I remember you?

**OH GOD, PLEASE**

why are you doing this to me?

can't you take it away?

I can't stand all this suffering

I'm weak, I know, I admit it

I never considered myself anything good

please, just take it away

take it away

**HALLUCINATION**

I was on the piano, playing a song. It was dark, dismal, full of painful agony. My slender, white fingers pounded upon the keys, smashing out the notes.

"Edward," she whispered from the window.

My fingers faltered, and I looked around. My eyes widened and lips parted. "B-Bella..." I breathed in astonishment.

She didn't say anything, but came to me, sitting on the stool beside me. I pulled her against my cold body, fighting to breathe, and dry sobs tore themselves out of my chest.

After a while, I calmed down, and began to kiss her; her hair, forehead, throat and finally lips.

"What are you thinking?" she whispered.

I looked down. "I'm wondering if I've finally gone insane."

"What do you mean?"

Pain rushed at me, attacking me, as I looked up. "You can't be real." I brushed my cool hand against her cheek, and it grew warm under my touch. "But I don't care. I'll take it."

She thrust herself back into the kiss, with more strength than before, empowered with the feeling of despair.

"Are you?" I asked after a couple minutes.

"Am I what?"

"Are you real?"

Oh. "No, I don't exist outside of your mind."

I chuckled darkly. "So I _have_ gone insane."

Her tone matched mine. "No more than I did."

I pulled away. "What do you mean?"

She sighed. "I'm dead."

My face twisted in horror. "What?"

"I threw myself off of a cliff two months ago. It's okay, it doesn't matter. It was to be expected."

"It was to be _expected?!_"

"You left me, I never moved on. I don't blame you, don't worry. You had to do what was best for you. I understand why you had to leave."

"No!" My arms dropped, and I stared at nothing, blankly, full of shock.

She looked confused. "Why does it matter to you? Don't feel guilty."

"Bella." I took her face in my hands, brought it up to look in her eyes fervently, urgently. "Bella, I never stopped loving you. I left so you could have a normal human life. But now... I don't know. I don't know anything."

I dropped her face and buried my own in my hands.

She looked upon me with pity, but stood and said, "Edward, I have to leave."

She didn't seem to expect my reaction. I leaped up, wildly grabbing her wrists. "No! No- you can't... I'll die..." I was full of agony, strangely vulnerable.

Without responding, face twisted with sadness and kind pity, she silently unlocked my hands from around hers, and walked across the room. My eyes followed her with dread.

She climbed up on the windowsill.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

A girl's silhouette, glowing slightly, was outlined in the open window of the top story of a decaying tenement. She stood there, motionless, for a couple seconds, then leaped.

She collapsed on the ground, three stories below, a crumpled, broken body that shimmered for a second before it disappeared.

Where she had been was a pile of fine, black ashes.

**RESOLVE**

bella's gone

she's gone

my life is gone

my reason is gone

without her

without knowing she exists

how can I survive?

I can find only one answer: I can't

I will find another vampire;

another one in this dreary city

and convince them to murder me

I must

I cannot stand this

I need to end this

KILL ME

. . . . . . . . . . . . .

A once-called beautiful young man crouches in a dusty, dark room, somewhere in Brazil. Rough, cracked sobs are tearing themselves one by one out of his chest, and his eyes are black, blacker then they've ever been before. His hands are pulling at his bronze hair, yanking on the roots. He seems almost insane with despair.

Suddenly, he unbends his back, craning his neck up to show his wild eyes, mouth bared in a grimace, and screams out, "KILL ME!" Then he collapses onto the ground, his head hitting the rotting wood, yet he cannot escape into unconsciousness, for he is immortal.


	2. I DO NOT KNOW THIS GIRL YOU CALL BELLA

**THIS EMOTION CALLED LOVE**

**SUMMARY:** During the time after Edward left her, Bella came to the attention of the Volturi. Because of the fact that she had been exposed to the vampire world, they give her two choices. Now, like Alice, she has no memories of her human life- or the feelings she had enjoyed as a human. What happens when she encounters Edward again?

**BACKGROUND:** Edward left, Bella moped around and was depressed until her issue came to the attention of the Volturi. She was bit, and as a result, has nothing from her human life, not even her memories. The "power" she has is subtle, such as Esme's or Carlisle's. She has the power to repress emotion, and has done so since. For as long as she can remember, she has never felt emotion once. She is part of the Volturi guard, loyal to it due to Chelsea's power, yet wanders off on her own explorations for a reason in existence, which is where this story begins.

**RECAP:** Bella has finally acknowledged to herself that there is no meaning in life, and that she will never feel emotion. She plans to stay in this city in Brazil for about a month before returning to the Volturi, permanently. Edward has convinced himself that Bella is dead, and finally emerges from his hole in the same city to find a vampire to take away his misery of life.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**I DO NOT KNOW THIS HUMAN YOU CALL BELLA. I AM NOT SHE. I AM ISABEL OF VOLTURI, AND I AM A VAMPIRE. I AM SORRY, YOU ARE MISTAKEN.**

As I entered the city limits at a decent, almost normal pace, I gave the sign a fleeting glance. Manaus, it said. Hmm. I had drifted east a little while hunting and meditating in the Amazonian rainforest; I distinctly remembered staying in Belem the last time I came into contact with human civilization.

It was a little refreshing to spend most of my time away from them for a little while, except when I needed to feed; their bustle and silly organization was tiresome. The feral excitement of catching a kill I do not think of as regressive, going back into wild uncivilized anarchy, but progression, a supremacy of the most powerful species. Someday, when we grow even more powerful, perhaps...

Heads turned as I walked through the streets, and I cursed quietly as I reached into my pocket for my darkly tinted sunglasses. I had forgotten about the eyes, how could I forget about the eyes?

I still drew attention, however, with my beautiful features and pale skin, almost glinting even though clouds covered the sun.

It was one of those days where you could not see the sun; it was hidden by the whiteness that were a sheet across the sky, with no exposure. You would not know that there was any blue behind there, or ever had been. But the fact that the sun _was_ behind there made the entire sky, the entire whiteness, shine brightly with a blinding beauty. And it was more powerful than the exposed, blatantly obvious sun would ever had been.

I looked down at my skin as it glinted subtly. I could go out in public under this sky. It didn't sparkle extraordinary, but had a secretive glow that was there whenever you didn't look quite at it. I liked it.

It took me about fifteen minutes to reach my destination: the Novotel Manaus. It was a large motel, cheesy with the Amazon parody. Large palm trees, bright pink flowers, and parrots exploded from everywhere.

I made a disdainful noise as I entered, looking around. Our castle-- more like palace-- at Volterra made this look like a ghetto shack.

"May I help you, Miss?"

I turned, and saw a young man in a suit and a tie that sported the bright yellow words "THE NOVOTEL MANAUS". He was positively quivering like a puppy whose tongue hung out with slavering desire to jump and lick.

With disgust, I wiped away his lustful emotions, leaving him empty. He blinked, then refocused on me. "I- do you wish to-"

"Yes, why else would I be here? I need a suite here. My name is Isabel Volturi." I passed him my driver's license and credit card, and he began typing on his computer furiously, still shell shocked by his loss of emotion.

I felt the stunned amazement begin to rear again in his mind, a tsunami that was only pulled back to return in greater force. I sighed; lovesick teenagers were often the hardest to repress. I forced my power upon his mind, pushing back his feelings, making him feel nothing, nothing at all.

He fell backwards against the wall at my force, stammering quickly. "Here- here you go, Ms. Volturi... your room is number 98..." He handed me a key with a bar code on it, hand trembling slightly.

I snatched it and left, unlocking my room and slipping into it. My body collapsed onto the bed on its own accord, letting out a sigh and pulling off my dark glasses. I knew he had gotten his emotions back with the release of my concentration, and I glared at the door, halfway expecting the hormonal young man to appear there with a bouquet clenched in his hands.

My feral sense liked the idea a little, and venom pooled in my throat at the thought of the luscious boy here in the room with me, in a place where no one could see what happened.

They'd hear his scream, though.

I'd need to be quick, and snap his neck before he got a chance to react. Then I'd drink his blood quickly, before it cooled. Blood that had been sitting was distasteful, almost as bad as animal blood.

I needed to stop daydreaming. I had just hunted. What was the matter with me? I needed to get to a secluded place soon, some alleyway somewhere, and hunt again. Get plenty of my drug into my system.

Yet my blood red eyes stayed trained at the door.

And I heard steps come down the hallway, approaching my room.

My mind instantly began analyzing every message from my astute senses, finding out and recording every possible observation about the visitor before his or her entrance. _His_, I corrected, noting the heavier step I noticed was missing from females. Meanwhile, I sat up on the bed, tossing my hair over my face to hide my crimson eyes, and smoothing my clothes, examining them for blemishes that would alert someone to my kill earlier that day.

I could hear, along with his step, a certain dragging edge to every swing of the arms. Hmm. Despair, or depression, I concluded. And his _smell_, a certain cold, sweet smell I associated with vampires...

Interesting. Another vampire in Manaus. Coincidence? Probably. Should I overlook it? No.

"Come in," I called out imperiously when my senses evaluated that he was close enough to my door to knock. He paused for a second, probably surprised, then lowered his hand to the doorknob and opened it.

My eyes, through my mahogany hair drooping over my hidden face, took his features in instantly. He was tall and muscular, and had the appearance of a seventeen-year-old boy. His hair was bronze and messy, falling over his long-lashed eyes, and his mouth was soft above his strong chin. His clothes and posture, however, disputed the confident air of his body, with ragged, probably unchanged shirt and jeans, and a drooping, dragged edge to the way he held himself up. And his eyes- his eyes were black, sickly, yet with a strange tint of yellow to them.

His story seemed like it would be interesting. "Speak," I commanded.

He barely seemed to notice me, instead talking to the floor. "My name is Edward Cullen."

Ahh, that explained the yellowness of his eyes. I had heard of the Cullens, the animal-drinker. Well, actually I had heard of Carlisle, and I knew he had a coven that followed his unnatural ideas. I watched him, a little more interested due to curiosity. "You are an animal-drinker," I stated, unable to keep the condescending edge from tainting my voice.

"Yes, he confirmed, still not meeting my eyes. "I found your last name from the hotel records... and I know the Volturi are so eager to uphold the law."

"What?" I was confused. I did not like being confused.

He lifted his head up finally, but did not look at my face, just at my hands. "I told a human girl about us. That is punishable by destruction, I understand." He clenched his jaw. "I want to die."

It took a couple moments for the understanding to reach me, then I almost laughed. A suicidal vampire. That was one I hadn't seen before. "Why?"

"That is not of your concern," he returned, returning his gaze to the floor again.

I whipped my head, sending my hair flying to the side of my face, irritated. I, a member of the Volturi guard, was not usually denied information.

The slight breeze from the motion hit him, and his face tightened in confusion, perhaps in reaction to my scent? I thought. "Who are you?" he asked, abruptly.

I responded at the same time that he looked up, meeting the eyes that had been unhidden as I pushed aside my hair. "Isabel of Volturi."

His eyes widened, and he looked about to fall over, as he breathed, "Bella..."

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

**EDWARD**

Was I hallucinating? Had I finally gone mad? Was that it?

All I knew was that I was staring into the eyes of a girl I had taken for dead.

Oh, they were not the brown I remembered and loved, and her features were hardened, frozen into a terrible beauty... but it was her.

I'd know her anywhere.

My mouth opened and I heard myself breath her name, but my body was out of my control. I was separate, apart, and I was falling, falling...

I felt her satiny, almost warm arms catch me, hold me, and I gloried in the experience. A small part of me smirked wryly at the situation; before, I had always been the one catching _her_.

But what was going on? My brain was fogged, half-dead, I couldn't think clearly.

Bella was a _vampire_?

"Isabel of Volturi," she said, moments before I met her eyes and saw her face, saw her for who she was.

She set me down on the bed, and I mourned the loss as her arms left my skin.

Oh, so much more to mourn...

I had left, left to keep her safe, safe from _this_! Safe from this life, this immortal damnation that I deserved but she, an angel, did not. And here she was, standing in front of me, with white skin and-- and crimson eyes...

I tried not to let her eye color hurt me. Our family was abnormal, after all, and we hadn't been there to guide her, help her onto the path... it was only natural that like Jasper, her instincts would cause her to hunt humans without restrainment...

"Are you all right? I've never seen a vampire faint before." She smiled mockingly, face devoid of compassion. What was wrong with her?

"Bella," I sat up, my arms reaching out to her. "It's me. Edward."

She stared at me, confused. "Why do you keep calling me Bella?"


End file.
